Everything I am
by PurelyPoison
Summary: "I'm impossible to love apparently, didn't anyone tell you?" "Now that...that I don't believe at all", he laughed lowly, staring straight back at me and in that moment, I was lost. HG/DM Mature themes.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

**Everything I am**

**"The more I see of the world the more I am dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistencies of all human characters",** **Jane Austen ****_Pride and Prejudice._**

"I'm not quite sure that I'm following", I said the words slowly, deliberately, trying to ignore my inital gut reaction of wanting to hit him so hard the freckles fell off of his nose. I tried to bring some vestige of calm to my face and allow the awful swooping sensation in my stomach to subside.

He watched my face incredulously as if already the illusion he had built up of me over the years was shattering before his very eyes and there was nothing he could do but watch.

"I'm breaking up with you".

There were those words again, I looked dazedly about me simply because...well because those words just did not belong in my world and could not be coming from his mouth. I must have accidentally wandered into the middle of somebody else's drama, somebody else's problem, somebody else's heartbreak because...this couldn't, no, shouldn't be my own.

I waited for my body to react, for my face to register the shock and pain my heart now felt in all its unforgivable glory and then in turn display it to the world through my features. But I felt like there was a cork in me, somewhere deep inside the recesses of my heart, plugging up all of my emotions and preventing them from erupting forth giving my brain time to find the logic in his words.

"Yes, I heard that part and forgive me if I'm being obtuse but I suppose the part I'm not following is why? We, we had been...we are supposed to be perfectly happy?"

I stared at him willing him to gloss over the fact that I had already used the past tense when referring to our happy relationship, the meaning of the term happy now dimming in my eyes. Did that mean that my brain had already accepted what he was saying as fact? No, that just couldn't be right.

He raised a hand up as if about to caress my face, his features resonating what I was sure was tenderness but then his hand dropped back to his side just as quickly and when he spoke I realised it wasn't tenderness at all.

It was pity.

"I haven't been happy with you in a really long time", he said awkwardly, and then as if he needed to keep talking in order for the proverbial blade to plunge deeper into my heart he added; "Not since the first month of our relationship I guess".

I forgot how to breathe. The actual motion of my lungs taking in air and exhaling carbon dioxide was lost to me and my chest abruptly halted its steady movement. The air caught in my throat and I opened and closed my mouth stupidly several times wishing my numb brain would wake up before I passed out.

It was the 'I guess' at the end of the sentence that had struck that fiercest blow as if I had asked for a specific time frame and all he could do was 'guess', shoving the word nonchalantly at the end of the sentence like it didn't really matter.  
It made our entire relationship utterly pointless, it didn't matter how long he had felt this way just that he had. Never mind that I had believed we were as much in love as any young couple can be, no my thinking that had been a delusional fantasy until he had decided that he just didn't feel like that at all.

The cork inside me finally exploded allowing the torrent of emotional pressure that had built up behind it to come bursting forth. I lost all sense of myself, of time, of the freezing January snow that swirled around us. The reality that he hadn't been happy since that tender, intial month of our courtship, that month which was now so far in the past it had already become a distant memory for me. Knowing that the subsequent months as my happiness grew, his had diminished until it had turned into a time game in which had he had to build up the courage to end it. He had been faking.

He had been pretending.

And it was the knowledge of that, that finally brought it home to me. That I, who was supposed to be his best friend turned girlfriend in one of the most convenient happy endings, mattered so little that he could pretend to love me for so long and now I was being unceremoniously dropped on my ass because I had been too stupid to see it before now. He saw the emotions finally register with me and he had the good grace to look at his feet.

"You mean to tell me that all of these months you let me live in some alternate universe where I was certain everything, for once, was actually fine while you secretly wanted out?" I laughed bitterly but the sound felt hollow, brittle and if he had flinched at it, I may have cracked like glass.  
"You are pathetic, where was your courage to do this when you realised it was a struggle to be with me?"

"Do you have to do this?" He said lowly, his glaze flickering up briefly to meet my own. "You're making a scene".

"Oh, I'm making a scene, well maybe everyone can come and watch my spectacular breakdown", I roared back at him, no longer caring or bothering to keep my voice down. Angr red splotches had appeared on my cheeks and I felt much too warm depsite the freezing weather. I felt dishevelled, as if I had outwardly fallen apart and my appearance had suffered as a result.

"I'm sorry, you couldn't have done this sooner. I'm sorry you've suddenly decided you are so much better than me", I said sarcastically.

He took a quick step towards me, "Don't you get it? I wasn't happy but I never realised what was wrong. I thought it was a phase, that I would go back to some semblance of happy. Okay, yes maybe I lacked the guts to do this sooner and maybe I should have taken the advice when I got it but don't you see that you're the problem?"

I gasped as if he had hit me, not realising that perhaps he had every reason to want out.

"You're too hard to love, you are always on my case about something, correcting everything I do and say. It's like going out with a person who has realised they can't change you and keep nagging at you and punishing you for it until you try to change yourself just to please them. You made me feel inadequate because you think you are just so perfect. I get that I should have done this sooner but fuck Hermione", he ground out, "You're too hard to love".

My stomach clenched tightly and the urge to vomit rose in my mouth but he wasn't quite finished.

"You're the problem here, not me. Granted it shouldn't have taken Malfoy to make me realise just how hard it was to be with you and I'm sorry about that I really am but I can't take all the blame here", he paused but I never allowed him to continue.

My brain was still stuck a few minutes back in the past, the air had become very still and the dull roaring in my ears came to life tenfold.  
"Malfoy?" I spluttered. "Malfoy made you realise?"

Finally, he looked extremely uncomfortable. "Well, not just Malfoy. Lavender also said that if I wasn't happy this was the best thing to do".

"Oh yes and we all like to take advice from the village idiot I forgot but tell me just how many people did you speak to before coming to me with this? Or should I run and ask Parvati Patil and Pansy Parkinson before we continue?"

"It wasn't like that, Jesus could you come back to the whole 'I'm breaking up with you thing' it is a little more important".

"No, I think I need to hear all of this advice Malfoy gave you", I said, refusing to let it drop so easily.

Ron raised his arms and roared in frustration. "I'm done, this is over. I would still like to be friends but..."

"As if", I replied thunderously to which he replied with a non-commital shrug as if this was exactly what he expected me to say.

Before I could blink, he had turned on his heel and began his brisk walk back to the castle. I soon lost his retreating back in the snow.  
Why had I said 'as if'? Why had I closed any path to friendship we might have eventually taken? I needed him in my life, he had been...no he was everything to me. We had had a wonderful Christmas with his family, he had given me a beautiful necklace with my name on it, when had it gone wrong?

Up until a few minutes ago I had been so deliriously happy that part of me had wondered if it was all real? That surely one person couldn't be as happy as I was they would die. He had crushed it with one decisive, destructive sweep of his words and now, now I was alone wondering if I really was so impossible to love.

He would return to Harry, who would say that he couldn't possibly take sides and then inevitably he would take Ron's and the two of them would remain huddled in the boy's dormitory analysing the whole thing until I couldn't but look like a deranged psychopath hopped up on hormones.

One thing refused to compute in my logical mind however and it angered me to realise just how unfair he' been to say the words and then refuse to tell me the rest of it. Of all the things Malfoy has said to him over the years, this was the one thing he seemed to listen to. And not just listen to, actually act upon.

It made no sense and that part was killing me the most.

So what now? Did I actively seek out Malfoy and demand, not a word associated with Malfoy to begin with, answers that he wouldn't want to give to me anyway. Did this mean that even that arrogant blonde bastard had been aware of Ron's misery? How had I missed all of this, in my deliriousness had I simultaneously blocked everything else out?

I turned my back on the castle, my vision blurred with tears, and trudged towards the lake eventually collapsing in the snow upon it's edges. I didn't notice, as the sobs wracked my body, the cold seeping in through my clothes and down to my very bones as my heart accepted what had happened.

It was over, Ron had left me and my one true idea of what perfect harmony and bliss between two people felt like had shattered before my eyes, the ruins lying around my feet as a constant reminder that_ I_ was a failure. I had made him unhappy for months and I wasn't emotionally astute enough to even realise. I was the pathetic one.

Removing myself from the ground as darkness began to fall and beginning my weary ascent to the castle took more energy than I would like to admit to. It seemed my body had physically given up, that nothing was worth the effort anymore and I should just curl up out here and wait until I froze to death. My brain no longer possessed the mental capacity to make my legs do anything.

I bypassed the Great Hall upon my entrance back into the school, the warmth engulfing me and delivering some feeling back into my body, and ignored the jovial sounds emitting from there as dinner got underway.

I didn't notice Malfoy coming down the stairs towards me until I had literally walked right into him and fallen three steps backwards and onto the floor with a sharp thud.

I briefly contemplated refusing to get up until he spoke and startled me out of my reverie as I realised just who I had the unfortunate luck to walk in to.

"Granger, I know you are starved of physical contact dating a moronic imbecile who I doubt knows where any of the important parts of your body are but please, don't do that again", he drawled sardonically, brushing imaginary dust from his shirt before putting his hands back into his pockets.

I mumbled something incoherent under my breath, my brain working too slowly to think of a suitable retort and far too preoccupied with sending urgent messages commanding my legs to get me off the floor.

He watched me with something akin to amusement and disbelief as I eventually managed to pick myself up but as I made to push past him, he bent very close to my face.

Too close.

"Wait, have you...you've not been crying?" His eyes searched my own averted gaze and I knew he would discern the tear stains covering my face as well as my extremely puffy and irritated red eyes. I tried to move again up the staircase without looking at me but he blocked my path.  
"What's the matter Granger, has Weasley...". He paused because he had seen.

I cursed my body, cursed my emotions as everything about myself in that moment was repulsive to me. I had visibly flinched at his words, unconsciously recoiled as if he had slapped me and of course he had seen. Why could I not wear a hard mask around my features like him, why could I not control my own emotions like he so easily did? I needed to harden, I needed to pull myself together, I needed to be more like, well, more like Malfoy.

"He has, hasn't he?" Malfoy, unaware of my inner turmoil was watching me delightedly his voice brimming with glee, one short of clapping his hands in triumph. "He's finally done the sensible thing and dumped you and you're _actually_ upset, didn't see that coming". He scratched his head thoughtfully, frowning slightly before a smile broke through again and he shrugged.

"Still, all's well that end's well, eh Granger?"

Then he shoved past me, taking one last glance at my face and continued down the staircase, laughing softly to himself. Leaving me, standing there my mouth agape like some sort of moronic ape wondering to myself, just what hadhe said to get Ron to break up with me?

I felt sick.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

**Everything you said**

**"And these children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they are going through"-David Bowie.**

The next few days passed in a painful, black blur. An impenetrable darkness had settled all around me, dulling my sense and ensconcing me in a bubble. I felt dizzy, exhausted and nauseous during my waking moments and even during the hours that I should have been sleeping. My eyes were constantly out of focus as I replayed every word we had ever spoken to each other, every look we had shared, everything and anything that mught have meant more than I thought it had at the time. Anything that would explain to me what was going on.

I came up short every time. When I thought back to all the times he had kissed me, his fingers fumbling clumsily at my shirt, the heat that I thought was driving him pulsating between us only for him to pull away abruptly and watch my reaction sheepishly. Stupidly and moronically, I would grin back at him completely certain and secure in the knowledge that he was only guilty because of what we had been about to do out of respect for me. How naive. Now, I realised he had thought he was taking advantage because he didn't really want to touch me like that. He wasn't happy to be with me but each time I had tilted my head up to kiss him, he had gotten carried away.

I felt sick, I thought it had been respect because we had never discussed...doing...'that'. I had never really felt ready but I figured that if it had come to that, I would have gone through with it. I mean after all, it was Ron and that was okay. Wasn't it? I didn't know anymore.  
The ball in my stomach squeezed tightly and I swallowed back the urge to vomit, the ball of bile gurgling menacingly at me from where it had taken refuge deep in my gut since the break-up. I sighed and tried to pull my thoughts back into History of Magic.

Not that Binns would have noticed if I just collapsed onto the floor and fallen asleep where I lay, his toneless, monotonous drone would continue on and on ceaselessly. What an unbelievably stupid class, I hadn't taken notes in days because I could no longer bring myself to care. That was why when the little white paper note floated slowly in front of me, landing neatly on my desk, it caught my full attention.

I was blatantly unaware of the stares emanating from the rest of the class. If I had taken that moment to look around, the sight I would have seen would have struck me as highly amusing. My fellow Gryffindor's were watching me with numb horror, my Slytherin peers staring with an expectant amusement, all but one of them that is. Malfoy's face was more of curiousity mingled with mild skepticism. His look would have confused me greatly.

Thankfully, I didn't look up. I didn't realise that the class knew something I so clearly did not. So, when I picked up the note finally it didn't occur to me thatit might not be for me, that I may not want to read the words upon it.

Upon first glance, I could discern two types of handwriting. The first half of the note was filled with loopyish, neat handwriting and the odd sickly saccharine love heart scribbled here and there. This should have been my first clue that it wasn't for me but unfortunately, my dull brain was thinking too slowly these days.

_So judging by our 'conversation' last night, it still gives me shivers to think of it, I think it is time for us to come clean. I mean, now that you're sorry business with her is all behind you maybe we could finally go public? I thought of you last night after I went to bed by the way xxx_

My eyebrows raised in amusement, realising of course now that this note had never been meant for my eyes but before I could fold it back up and find its rightful owner, my eyes fell upon the untidy scrawl that had been written in reply underneath. The unmistakable scrawl that I had spent years correcting and scribbling through that made my breath catch in my throat and my insides plummet to the ground because he had written it.

Ron's reply was simple but coherent.

_I know and I promise we will soon, remind me to thank Malfoy later for both of us._

I closed my eyes, the note still in my trembling hand because for some reason I couldn't quite bring myself to crumple it up. I re-read his response needing to know just how much he hated me, how easily he had forgotten me and found someone else to take my place. I needn't have worried about getting sick anymore, the ball in my stomach had turned to ice. A thick, heavy ball of ice that made my blood run cold.  
There it was again in his reply, the knowledge forcibly ramming itself down my throat, that Malfoy had something to do with my heartbreak and Ron was grateful.

I raised my head finally and realised just how many eyes were still upon me, I had failed to notice the palpable silence in the classroom and now it was the only thing I could think about. Blank faces stared back at me, blinking stupidly as if they had all just walked into the sun and were being blinded. They waited, breath baited, waited to see what I would do next. Maybe explode where I sat or something else equally as dramatic?

I surveyed the room slowly, my eyes narrowing and schooling my face into a mask of derision. My eyes found Ron's first, he looked away immediately, turning back into his desk and slouching down so low as if he could just disappear. He certainly wasn't as confident as he sounded on paper.

My gaze roved over the other students, searching for something that I wasn't even sure I wanted to see or sure what it would look like but fortunately, or unfortunately, I found it without straining myself too hard. Lavender was turned in her seat towards me, her face the epitomy of guilt and pity but it was her eyes that drew me in. They were all wrong, they were too bright, too vibrant as if I had just seen a splash of red in a world filled with black and grey and the feeling in them didn't match her face, they were happy.

Part of me died a little inside just then, he had thrown me away telling me I was 'impossible to love' over something Malfoy had said and then proceeded to replace me with the most insipid, earth shatteringly moronic. A few of the Slytherin's sniggered behind their hands and I heard Pansy audibly say 'oh how embarrassing' and that was when I saw his face.

Malfoy hadn't turned in his desk to stare at me the way everyone else had, instead he looked extremely comfortable and content. His eyebrows were raised as if he was asking me a silent question, as if he was surprised by the way I was behaving, but I couldn't discern his expression to say for certain. His blonde hair fell into his striking grey eyes which never removed themselves from my face. It seemed that he was curious about my reaction, just as much as everybody else but why? Why would Malfoy care what happened to me or how I felt about what was happening?

My mouth opened slightly when I realised just how much everyone else had known, while I had been sitting here, wallowing in my inner turmoil, Lavender and Ron had been passing notes finally revelling in their freedom to be a couple and the whole class had noticed.  
Malfoy's eyes moved, they flickered to the door and back to my face, his head subtley motioning the same way. He was telling me to go, to get out of here before I decided to do anything. He did it again, this time impatiently, sitting forward in his desk the white shirt sleeves that had been rolled up showing me that he was flexing his arms in annoyance.

I nodded briefly, my face blank, unaware as to why he was helping me because whether he knew it or not that is what he was doing. By giving me direction, I could switch my brain back on enough to get out of here.

I calmly dropped my gaze, even with his face still burning in my mind, sent the note flying to Lavender which she duly caught, her eyes watching me warily. Then I packed my things away, slowly and carefully before finally moving out of my seat and walking out of the classroom. Nobody tried to stop me, although I noticed Malfoy move forward in his seat as I passed as if he wanted to say something and then he thought the better of it, closing his mouth, leaning back again and watching me go.

The rest of the class averted their eyes as if my complete embarrassment and humiliation was uncomfortable for them to witness, they who had been thoroughly in the loop while I had been enclosed in my self-contained bubble. I was being punished for being so blind it seemed.  
I walked slowly back to my dorm, dropped my bag, slipped off my shoes and without undressing crawled beneath the sheets, trying to ignore the fact that I couldn't get Malfoy out of my head, before allowing my black ball of despair to swallow me whole and all the while one word swirled confusedly around my head.

Malfoy...


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

**Everything I need**

**"That would be the greatest misfortune of all, to find a man agreeable whom one is determined to hate"**

**-Elizabeth Bennet, Pride and Prejudice.**

The small logical part of my brain wondered, how long could you allow yourself to drown in your sorrow, sink in your heart crushing despair, before it enveloped you completely and every last morsel of your true self disappeared beyond recall or desire. I had thought given my behaviour during the previous few days that I could sink no lower, that it was impossible to drown any deeper that I alreadt was but I had been terribly mistaken.

What was happening to me now was no longer drowing. Drowning immediately immplied a struggle, an effort to fight for that last breath, to grip tighter than before, to survive, to live. Now I was drifting. My body had ceased to fight and I floated along aimlessly in an endless black chasm, suffocating because I hadn't just let it swallow me. It had devoured me whole. And the worst part?

Ron and Lavender acted as a constant reminder of what had happened, clinging to each other as if my very presence would tear them apart. Days when I would finally remember to eat, the two of them would walk hand-in-hand into the Great Hall and my appetite would desert me once again. Insomnia became a well known and often welcome friend of mine, I was frightened of dreaming and not because of Ron but because somebody new was plaguing my dreams and he shouldn't have been welcome.

But he was.

I would take long walks through the castle at all hours of the early morning, Filch's wrath nothing to me now. The Astronomy tower, while a cliche at this stage with the amount of people it attracted for amorous late night trysts, really was the best place to go and allow my thoughts to drift with the cool and constant breeze.

One particulalry frosty night about three days after the disastrous classroom episode as I was now calling it, I had crept up to the tower not long after midnight. Sitting on the window ledge, my dressing gown wrapped tightly around me, I allowed my thoughts to rove breaking down the brick wall I struggled to erect each day to keep everything hidden away just so I could make it without breaking down every few minutes.  
One melancholic idea struck me as I gazed downwards, how long would my suffering last if I jumped off the ledge right now? Perhaps ten seconds until I reached the bottom and my biggest problem would be my brains scattered across the stone courtyard. But then, I guess, even that wouldn't be my problem, maybe Filch's? I snorted, picturing Filch grumbling at having to clean up my mess.

"Laughing to yourself is a sure sign of insanity Granger", his voice was the usual sardonic drawl but it thinly disguised his annoyance and irritation at my unexpected presence. "However, if you do decide to jump which given your close proximity to the edge, I'm sincerely hoping you were at least contemplating, I promise to say that I pushed you".

I turned slowly and took in his form before replying. He leaned casually against the doorway, crossing his ankles while his hands buried deep into the trouser pockets of the school uniform I was surprised to see he was still wearing at this late hour.

"I'm miserable enough without you here Malfoy, go awat I was here first", I muttered, sighing and turning fixedly away from him.

"You know Granger, you are a thousand times more boring as this pathetic, moping, mani depressive than you were when you were just the irritating bookworm whose most redeeming feature was that she made it so easy for everyone to hate her. I mean, something interesting finally happens to you and you ruin it for all of us by sapping all the fun out of it. How incredibly selfish of you".

I could tell in the slowly rising volume of his voice that he was moving closer to me but I kept my gaze away, frightened that I would break down in front of him.

"You see", he was now standing behind me, I could almost feel his breath on the back of my neck. "Weasley was right to get rid of you. You thought you were better than him, hell I bet you still think it, and nobody wants to be with a bitch. You're too busy pointing out everybody else's faults that you aren't able to see your own".

I turned to face him and realised just how close he was. I swung my legs around, sitting properly on the ledge and facing him, trying not to be intimidated by the fact that he was only inches from me.

"What would you know about seeing fault with yourself? As far as I see it, you don't care about anyone or anything", my voice trembled when I spoke.

"And which one of us is hurting here? Sometimes, only caring about yourself is the best mode of survival", his face darkened as if I had actually hit on a topic he had spent several years thinking about. "Sometimes, we can't care for anybody else and the best thing to do is learn exactly who you are and what you are capable of and accept it".

"Excuse me if I don't take lessons on how to 'accept' myself from you", I said standing up now.

"Well, maybe you should. If you want to be a stuck-up, arrogant bitch go ahead but at least be aware that that is what you are". He raised as hand when I opened my mouth to retort. "Accept it and move on, the sooner you do that the happier everyone will be including you. I mean you can't tell me you honestly didn't see this coming? Weasley was always going to get tired of you".

I closed my mouth again but I couldn't take his words to heart. Part of me, the part that had gone through my relationship with Ron, our conversations bit by bit looking for a clue and had come up short every time, was now stuttering and grinding to a halt.

Malfoy was making me doubt myself and all that I had believed to be true and I didn't like it.

He smirked at me, "That's what I thought".

"You know we had a lovely Christmas", I said slowly, struggling to get the words out but knowing I had to turn this conversation away from myself. "I stayed with his family, he gave me a beautiful necklace and then on New Years he kissed me like he always had and then we make it back for the first day of term and its over. Just like that", I clicked my fingers.

"Granger" he said threateningly, "You're confusing me with someone who gives a shit".

I moved towards him suddenly, aggresively, the look on my face enough to make him take an involuntary step back. "But how could Lavender have given him any advice, like he said she did, on that first day back. Unless, things had started between them long before that moment?"

"Are you actually that dense?" He said harshly, clearly already knowing what I was only now coming to realise. Why did it have to be Malfoy who had given me my breaththrough?

"And you, whatever advice you gave him, you gave because you already knew what was going on with him and Lavender", I said, my gaze downcast now.

"I'd like to point out that Idon't give advice especially not to him. I made a simple, factual observation which isn't important now". He coughed and glared at me, daring me to ask what he had said but I didn't want to know.

Not yet.

"Everyone knew except me and I thought I was intelligent".

"You think too much of yourself, you aren't perfect, far from it so stop it", he said angrily.

"I'm the weak one, everyone has seen my complete and utter breakdown. I've lost everything even my irritating bookworm reputation as you so kindly pointed out", I sighed.

"My pleasure", he replied nonchalantly.

"I wish I could be more like you", I said abruptly the words pouring out before I could stop them.

He gaped at me before frowning in annoyance, his eyebrows knitting together the relaxed posture now tense as he straightened his back unconsciously and clenched his fists.

"I'm serious, I wish I could hide my emotions like you do, be mean to people and not care. Protect myself from everything and everyone like you said, completely change my reputation. Start over", I rubbed a hand through my hair, not noticing as he took a step towards me.

"So do it then Granger, don't be even more pathetic that you already are, do something about it, then we can all have some peace", he turned to go, socialising had not been in his plan for tonight and certainly not with me. He looked tired and drawn all of a sudden, like I was too slow on the uptake, like I had missed something important in all that he had said.

Something vitally important.

"You could do it for me", I moved towards his retreating back which thankfully stopped.

"Fuck off", he growled not turning around. "I'm not doing anything for you so that you can show Weasley how great you are".

He finally turned around, moving to stand directly in front of me, his body nearly touching my own as I could feel his cool breath on my face as he growled at me. "He doesn't want you".

"One rumour", I whispered startled by his proximity and the heat emanating from his body and resisting the urge to place my hands on his chest and feel the lean physique under his clean shirt. "One rumour is all it would take. One sentence from you could change everything. I don't want Ron back, I want to hurt him. I want people to forget about this stupid love triange, forget about my breakdown".

"Why would I help you?" He paused, his expression hardening a fraction. "I hate you".

My tongue knotted itself briefly when he said those words, something in them sounded false. It sounded wrong, he had said that sentence to me so many times over the years but for the first time I wasn't quite sure I believed it.

"I hate you too", I replied with more conviction than I felt but I chose not to interpret it. "That's why its perfect. I'm giving you the chance to make up one rumour about me that people would believe, one rumour that will change my reputation completely and permanently so that when people think of me, they don't remember the self-destruct episode or Ron".

"You want them to forget about you and Weasley?" He said slowly, his face leaning down an extra inch so that his eyes were boring into my own, searching to see how serious I was.

"Yes, I want them to associate me with something else other than him or what he did to me", I whispered, not able to tear my eyes off of his lips, the lips that were hovering too close to my own as I inhaled sharply.

His eyes flickered to my mouth, where I licked my lips nervously and I heard something catch in his throat, and back to my eyes again. My legs felt loose, wobbly as if they would collapse under me and for some reason something trembled within me as my thoughts scattered.

He blinked rapidly one and then twice before standing straight suddenly, realising where he was. He pondered my words, his eyes glowed knowing I had just given him free reign to take my reputation and mangle it his own way.

He could see plainly that I knew there would be no going back, there would be no bargaining or compromise, if I let him do this then I had to keep out after that and let him get on with it.

"I'll think about it", he said sharply, turning around and I heard a barely audible groan when he moved away from me. "But remember that you might regret asking me this".

"I won't regret it", I said firmly.

He chuckled softly, "Making a request like that of a bastard like me? Never mind regretting it", he turned his face to grin manically at me. "You might just wish you had jumped from that window ledge. You might just wish you were dead".

His words lingered in the air even after he had left the room and I could hear his receding footsteps on the stairs but I didn't pay heed to them. I had been barely listening, his close proximity, the feel of his breath on my face, the look in his unusually vibrant stormy, grey eyes had left me reeling.

For the first time in ages, I had never felt so alive.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

**Everything I was **

_**"The very first moment I beheld him, my heart was irrevocably gone", Jane Austen Love and Friendship **_

I'm not particularly sure what I expected to happen after that. That Malfoy would somehow, singlehandedly, change what people thought of me, change a perception that had taken six years to build up, six years to settle in people's minds as fact and simply tear it all down in a day? Even he couldn't be that good but then I guess it depended on how depraved or in school speak 'juicy' the rumour was but fortunately that part didn't occur to me. I just kept waiting for something to happen but nothing actually did. I tried not to be disappointed, even when he deliberately avoided looking at me, I guess it had been a lot to ask even by his standards.

Like I said, to suddenly tear down every conception and idea people had of me in the space of a few days? Surely that was impossible, I mean, we would be changing the ideas of people who knew me, people who had grown up with me. They wouldn't be swayed so easily, would they? So why would anything Malfoy said hold any weight at all?

Well, I don't think I could have imagined just how wrong I was on this score. I had grossly underestimated how much these people, these teenage vultures wanted a finale to my extraordinary breakdown and subsequent demise of the old me. They had been waiting for this and unwittingly I had given them exactly what they craved. I had released a horrifying can of worms in the form of Malfoy and he showed no mercy.

The route he took though, was not one that I had seen coming, nor gun to my head would I even have guessed at. My desolation was complete and while I was ready to be born again from the ashes of the rumour, Malfoy was ready to suffocate me underneath them. Which was exactly what his rumour threatened to do.

About six days after my encounter with Malfoy during which nothing had happened and I had put the whole sorry affair out of my head, another week drawing to a close, it began. Malfoy had been paired with me for a potions assignment and the very air around us was crackling. Even breathing the same air as him made me want to gasp for breath in an effort to inhale properly. I had been on tenterhooks for the intial day or two after speaking with him but Malfoy had clearly had other ideas. He wanted me unprepared, he needed me not to expect anything to happen, to have already reconciled myself to the fact that nothing would happen.

The Slytherins were watching me carefully, Pansy's expression a comical mixture of shame and almost unfathomable fury. It was a pity for me that I had taken no notice of her or her cronies that day, or indeed any other, in hindsight it may have given me a clue. I had been ignoring him so far and was patiently cutting up gurdyroots when I very nearly sliced my own fingers off at the feeling of Malfoy's arms ensnaring themselves around me, his body pressed up against my own and his hands coming to rest on top of mine. "You're cutting them too thickly, here", he said into my ear, I could feel his blonde hair brushing against my cheek as he spoke. The classroom noises suddenly ceased, as if someone had sucked all the air out of the room.

He took the blade slowly from my hands and continued cutting while all I could do was lean my hands on the table and try to move my body even a fraction away from his while trying to remember how to breath. The truth was, my heart was racing, he was too close, this was too intimate. Having avoided physical contact with anyone since Ron had broken up with me, this was too much and it was Malfoy.

It was wrong...wasn't it? No, don't start questioning it. His stomach pressed against my lower back, pushing me into the desk so there was no getting away. His face remained almost cheek to cheek with mine, even though I had attempted to turn my face away.

"What are you doing?" I eventually managed to grind and stutter out between clenched teeth.

He chuckled softly into my ear, "You wanted a rumour, I'm going one better. I'm giving them a show".

"This wasn't what I meant and you know it", I muttered angrily, my face on fire as the red heat of embarrassment spread up my cheeks.

"Ah well then, you failed to specify the exact terms and conditions. That threatens to make our transaction null and void but I'll be kind enough to oversea your slight mistake", he said slowly, grinning widely at my thunderstruck face while removing himself from me.

I looked around, the flush still beaming on my face, to see that everyone had been staring, dumbstruck and disbelieving on what they had just witnessed. Ron's face was utterly furious and I felt my hands where Malfoy had touched me tingling with pleasure, well the display had done something right.

My hands shook uncontrollably as I turned back to my work, pointedly ignoring Malfoy at the other side of the bench but this time I did manage to cut myself. I put the blade down calmly, closing my eyes from exasperation at my weak display of emotions, before assessing the damage I'd done to my fingers before muttering darkly to Malfoy. "You can meet me after class and tell me what the hell you were thinking", I raised my bleeding hand, "This is your fault".

"Are you alright?" He asked with a raised voice, causing heads to once again swivel in our direction.

"Here let me", he said, smiling, his face the epitomy of someone who is enjoying themselves just a little too much.

He took my hand and pressed a bandage around it, holding it tightly between both of his seemingly oblivious to my fury.

"Get off", I managed to splutter eventually before he chuckled and moved away.

The Slytherins were still staring at us, Pansy one move away from striding forwards and killing me with her bare hands. I spent the rest of the class as far away from Malfoy as the desk would put us, attempting to still my trembling hands, my heart gasping from its regular beat while I tried to contend with the whispers swirling around the room, droning ceaselessly in my ears.

The little ball of ice I'd been carrying around since I'd found out about Ron and Lavender, melted slightly in my anger. Had they nothing better to do that watch me? The bell could not have gone fast enough and with it I bolted from the room, determined to speak to Malfoy alone and to do that I had to be ready to corner him on the way to lunch.

I settled for waiting for him a little way down the hallway from the potions dungeon but I hadn't planned on him being surrounded by his Slytherin cronies knowing as he did that I had wanted to speak to him.

I stepped out from the wall, "Can I have a word?"

"Go away mudblood", said Pansy harshly, linking her arm through Malfoy's who in turn threw her a withering glare extracting himself from her talons.

"Now Pansy, we talked about this remember", he turned to me. "Fine, in here".

He led me into an empty classroom turning to the gaping glares of his friends, "You can go" before slamming the door and shutting us in.

He moved to sit upon one of the desks, raising an eyebrow at me and I was caught for a moment in the half light of that classroom about just how striking his features were.

The breath hitched in my throat and it took me several seconds to gather my thoughts, my eyes noticing how his tie was loose around his neck, his shirt crumpled as if he'd fallen asleep in it the night before but his hair still fell gracefully into his eyes.

"What's wrong with you now?" He asked gruffly, rubbing a hand through his hair. "What...what was that display in potions?" I stuttered but the words still came out angrily. "I asked you to star a rumour, not act anything out".

"Well Granger, believe it or not I know a thing or two about rumours and to give them creedence something generally has to happen or the story won't stick". He folded his arms and smiled sardonically. "I have to start a fire before I can feed it and make it bigger".

"And what fire are you starting?"

"Now Granger, that wasn't part of the deal. Never did you say I had to discuss the particulars with you first", he jumped down from the desk, shoving his hands casually into his pockets, his grey eyes sparkling at me. "Pansy is the sneaky one, spreading rumours isn't my area sorry". "I'll be off then", he finished when I didn't answer.

"Nice touch by the way", he added smiling.

"What are you talking about?" I said mirroring his movements unconsciouly by running a hand through my hair.

He moved towards me, leaning down until he towered over my small frame while I involuntarily shrank back hitting the classroom wall. He placed his hands on either side of my head, blocking me in. "You're fueling the rumour mill yourself, secret classroom meeting", he waggled his eyebrows suggestively, "Nice touch, like I said".

"Now", he breathed deeply while I couldn't breath at all. "If there was nothing else", he moved down until his lips hovered above mine. I kepy my eyes on his, never breaking eye contact feeling as if he was waiting for something.

Waiting for me to raise my lips to meet his? To finally press mine against his cool mouth and revel in the taste of him? No, surely not but that is what it felt like.

Waiting for me to finally ask just what he had said to Ron?

But, shamefully, it was the first one I couldn't get out of my head. Ron had never been further from my thoughts in my whole life.

He laughed lowly, "Until next time" and with that he sauntered casually out of the classroom slamming the door in his wake.

Surely he wasn't starting a rumour about him and me? That...that wasn't possible we hated each other, he surely wouldn't want anyone to even consider thst we were...that we would, no. I shook my head and tried to catch my breath feeling as if my chest would explode, no he wouldn't do this, he was surely aware that any rumour like that I would vehemently deny, it would never last, simply because it was just too unbelievable. Not to mention utterly impossible, so I straightened my posture, flattened my hair and walked from the classroom positive and undeniably certain that what was going on had nothing to with the rumour I had asked him to create.

Nothing.

But as I walked from the dungeons back up to the Great Hall, I realised with a jolt that when he had put his arms around me in potions and again when they had been placed either side of my head, the nausea I'd been carrying for days had eased, subsided to a barely there dull pain. All the while the niggling feeling in my gut, that was not altogether unpleasant, had refused to leave and instead was growing and spreading through my limbs. But that was just coincedence, my eyes wandered over the to Slytherin table upon reaching the Great Hall, unconsciously looking for him and finding him, his eyes locking with my own as he smirked at me.

Yes, coincedence.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five- **

**Everything I should have said. **

**"Do you ever feel like you aren't the person you're supposed to be?" J.M Reep, The Spring. **

I spent the rest of the day pointedly ignoring his existence after that little display in potions and afterwards but I needn't have worried too much. He seemed to be doing exactly the same thing to me, going so far as giving me a wide berth when we passed in the corridors. However, it didn't take long for my own problems to come exploding forth when I rounded the corner just outside the library that evening and discovered Ron and Lavender clinging to each other ferociously. It was almost as if my emotions felt me rude for thinking I could forget their existence for one full day.

They fell apart quickly, the lip smacking sound appalling to my ears.

"Oh", giggled Lavender uncomfortably at the awkward silence that followed upon my inability to remove myself from their presence.

"Ugh", I said before I could bite it back trying to quell the urge to vomit. I slowly began backing away when my senses finally returned but Ron roughly pushed Lavender away and took two strides towards me.

"What was that with Malfoy today?" He growled angirly.

"What?" I said quietly, grinding to a halt.

"Ron, don't", Lavender squeaked from behind him, grabbing his shoulder as she spoke but he shrugged her off without turning. "Is there something going on between you and Malfoy?" He said visibly seething now and glaring hard at me.

"How can you ask me a question like that? Six years of being my friend, six and it doesn't occur to you that a question like that, directed at me, doesn't make sense?" My hands balled into fists furious how this boy, this boy I stilled somehow loved, understood nothing.

"So you deny it? It doesn't sound like it and what I saw today was the most disgusting display I've ever had the misfortune to witness. I mean, I know you're upset at what happened to us, or maybe depressed is a more accurate word and maybe you don't know how to deal with it. But how dare you act out desperately like this by turning to Malfoy". He breathed heavily having finished his tirade.

"H-how dare I?" I murmured dangerously.

"After all we went through, how dare you turn to him. You were mine, you cannot now be his", he glowered.

I paused before answering torn between laughing and wanting to punch him. I noticed the hurt look that passed across Lavender's face at his words but she knew better than to make an issue of that now. I took a deep, steadying breath.

"Last I checked you broke up with me and as far as I was aware, how I behaved post break-up has absolutely nothing to do with you. You forfeited that right two weeks ago. You say 'after all we went through', well where was your respect for me before you told me I was 'impossible to love' and shacked up with this vacuous, insipid idiot", I motioned to Lavender and she opened her mouth to retort but Ron raised a hand in a 'not now' gesture.

Now I did actually laugh, "Good to know you don't defend her either".

"So it isn't true?" He muttered again.

"What's it to you if it was?" I replied folding my arms, "It isn't any of your business how I choose to live".

"So, you are shagging Malfoy?" said Lavender, my previous insult to her now forgotten in light of the gossip she had received.

"Think what you like", I replied shrugging. "Besides, maybe Malfoy deserves a thanks from me too. I don't know what he said to you Ronald and I'm not sure I care now but it seems he saved me from something".

With that final sentence uttered, I turned on my heel and walked briskly the other way. I had underestimated these idiots, all of them, but it seemed as if Malfoy had not. I had assumed after knowing me all of these years they wouldn't have believed something so moronically simple and undeniably out of character as something going on between Malfoy and I. But this couldn't possibly be the rumour, as far as I could tell neither Ron nor Lavender had actually mentioned having heard a rumour.

They were drawing their information off of what they had seen. A rumour could be denied but you couldn't make a whole classroom of people unsee anything, more's the pity. Now it would grow with the help of Lavender, I had heard it said before that people always struggle to create memories where none exist. Meaning that now people would talk about 'signs', like how could they never have noticed the way Malfoy and I looked at each other or how I had always been a bit unpredictable and volatile or some such nonsense.

But where was this going to lead? What was the point?

My feet continued to move of their own accord, my mind no longer paying attention to the direction but it wasn't long before I reached the Gryffindor tower and beyond all surprise Pansy was standing waiting for me.

I started, my stride failing me for the second time in twenty minutes. I hitched my bag higher on my shoulder.

"What do you want? I've had enough crap today", I said tiredly. "Oh believe me Granger, if I could be anywhere else right now than waiting for your sorry ass to turn up, I would", she said scathingly, moving to stand in front of me. "However, I wanted an urgent word or two with you and as I can't find Draco I had to unfortunately come and find you".

She sniffed disapprovingly as if I had wasting her time but simply not knowing she would come and find me.

"What can I do for you?"

"Whatever is going on between you and Draco, I'm telling you to stop it and stop it now, I won't stand for it. He is mine". She ground out angrily.

"Oh, for fuck's sake are you kidding? Are all of you people really that stupid?" I retorted, sick and tired of this new world I'd found myself in where the everyone had been dropped on their heads leaving behind not one shred of rationality.

I raised my hands to my temples rubbing smooth circles and trying to iron out the creases in my thoughts. "Listen to me because I won't be saying this again, get a life all of you and leave me alone. Whatever I choose to do with my personal life is nothing to do with any of you even if it was something as insane as being with Malfoy".

I glanced at her to see had the message been concise enough for her to grasp without wasting any more brain cells. I mean she clearly didn't have them to spare.

"Well, that's precisely what you would say isn't it", she exploded raising her hands to the sky in frustration.

"Right", I said sardonically, pushing past her towards the portrait hole. "Goodnight then".

"I'm not finished with you, stay away from him", she spluttered.

"Yes, I heard that part the first time", I said muttering the password over my shoulder and waiting for the portrait to swing open behind me. "I'm done living in never never land for today, goodnight".

"Is that code for something you little bitch?" She screamed after me.

"Goodnight", I said again as the portrait swung shut after I had scrambled through. I paused just inside the door, what an unbelievably weird day, it had served one purpose however, for the first time in days something else had occupied my thoughts and it wasn't until I collapsed exhaustedly into bed that night, that I realised this wasn't necessarily a god thing.

My mind was now buzzing, analysing everything and the realisation that if Pansy, Malfoy's only non-rumoured on/off again girlfriend, could think there was ever the slightest possibility that something could happen beween me and Malfoy, then where did that leave the rest of the school?

They would believe it too, because if someone who had known Malfoy for years and someone who I thought knew me had been persuaded to doubt and question without any real expenditure of intelligence then everyone else would too.

And where had Malfoy been when all of this was coming to a head?

Needless to say, I didn't sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

**Everything I want**

** "It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not". Andre Gide_ Autumn Leaves._**

The next day, in a feeble attempt to return to normality, and by normality I mean the miserable cocoon I had constructed in my mind in order to shut out the world, I did the only thing I could think to do. I went to find Malfoy.

What I hadn't banked on was the whispering that followed me, it was as if I'd stepped in something foul upon stepping out of the portrait hole early that friday morning and it clung to me all day. Even the fat lady had shaken her head and smiled a me pityingly, "It's going to be a tough day dear, hang in there".

I had frowned at her before starting off for the Great Hall but it wasn't long before I heard the wisdom in her words.

"I heard they've been going at it like rabbits since school got back", one excited fifth year Ravenclaw exclaimed, walking ahead of me down the staircase.

"I heard Ron dumped her because he caught her cheating with Malfoy", said a hufflepuff walking past me on the way to her table in the Great Hall.

"Yea, well I heard it from Sophie, who heard it from Alex who heard it from Parvati, who heard it from Lavender that she is just attention seeking to get back at Ron by sleeping with Malfoy. I mean Malfoy is an utter asshole, what would be the attraction?" Pondered a seventh year Gryffindor girl passing me in the hallway.

"Malfoy is gorgeous but what could he possibly want with a mudblood? I mean he is totally against them so what is he playing at? If he is tired of Parvati, he could have me", said one sulking fourth year Slytherin on her way to the Quidditch pitch.

I could go on and on here believe me but I think you get the idea.

I certainly didn't help myself in any way by pushing roughly past all of these bleating sheep as they all talked about the same thing with not one original or creative idea between them. Besides, I could protest my innocence but not before I found Malfoy and figured out exactly what he was doing.

Unfortunately for me, or as you may have already guessed, I couldn't find him. He wasn't at breakfast and my first few classes were utterly devoid of Slytherins in general. The Gryffindors were eyeing me suspiciously while keeping their distance, probably too frightened to ask and too full of Lavender and Ron's lies to approach me.

When Harry wandered over trying to appear nonchalant, I waved him away distractedly, "No Harry, they aren't true but I'll have to explain another time yea?" He merely nodded at me before moving away from my seat in the library.

By dinner that evening I was feeling extremely irritated at having seen no sign of Malfoy all day and the rumours continued to swirl and buzz around me becoming so fantastical I began to worry about the mental health of the people spreading them. I was sure I heard something about 'love' and 'engagement' at one stage but please don't quote me on that.

That night as my insomniac routine reared its ugly head yet again, I suddenly knew where I might find him. It had been so obvious, I felt like he would have been waiting for me to figure it out all day but that was preposterous.

I slipped silently from my bed, throwing on my dressing gown and leaving my feet bare revelling in the cold stone floor, I padded softly up to the Astronomy tower.

Sure enough, there he stood. His back to me and his arms outstretched on the window ledge as he leaned heavily against it, the moonlight illuminating his pale skin and platinum hair until he looked like he was glowing. He had heard my footsteps I noted briefly as he spoke as soon as I had entered the room, how he had known it was me...don't ask.

"Ah Granger, I figured my absence would allow the fire to spread and what do you know?" He turned, leaning his back against the ledge, crossing his ankles and folding his arms. "I was right".

"So, you're admitting that you purposefully played truant today so that the 'fire' could spread?" I began angrily, his attitude throwing me off. "Well, I have one issue here, what fire would that be exactly?"

I moved forwards only to hesistate about three steps away from him, the image of him towering over me in the empty classroom pushing its way to the front of my mind. I could see his eyebrows rise in amusement.

"Are you being thick on purpose? The only way I could forgive such stupidity is if it truly is genuine and you are also aware of your idiocy?" "

Well, let me tell you that where I'm having trouble, you never started a rumour". I said this as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, speaking slowly because I knew that would annoy him.

He startled me by laughing, "I didn't need to".

"What does that even mean? Stop being vague and enigmatic for five minutes and speak plainly to me", I sighed, frustrated with myself for the lack of progress I was making.

Why did he always turn things around?

"I _showed_ them a rumour Granger and they took it, interpreted it, twisted it and spread it as they saw fit, you see", he pushed himself off the ledge and turned to face out of the open window again. "Rumour making is not my style, as I'm sure I mentioned. It is Pansy's area of expertise; under-handed and nasty. Instead, I put my nastiness into action, let people see that I'm the root of the problem and then I let the chips fall where they may".

He paused before adding quietly, "I must be my father's son".

"Ah yes", I murmured suddenly no longer afraid of him and found the strength to move beside him and lean on the window ledge myself, allowing the cool breeze to wrap itself around me and blow my problems out of the window. "You're all about the show aren't you?"

"You were the one who wanted something that changes how people see you, do you even get what a difficult feat that was? I mean I'm asking them to forget for just one second that you are a bushy-haired, annoying know-it-all who is so uptight and anally retentive about even the most innocuous things that everyone wants to kill her so you know", he shrugged. "I had my work cut out for me".

"If you hate me so much, why would you do anything at all?" I sniffed moodily, hating how he always laid out all of my insecurities before me.

"Because you let me", he replied simply. "And what better rumour than fucking the school bully?"

"You're disgusting", I answered turning away from the window and making to leave, his reponse telling me everything I needed about the vile rumour he had "shown" the class and then inadvertantly, the school.

"When you argued with Ron and Lavender, you didn't deny it", he turned from the window and leaned back against it, smirking.

I spun on my heel and stared at him, "Yes I..."

"No, you didn't. Not once in fact", he grinned knowingly. "You are already using the rumour to your advantage, you can't berate me".

I thought back to that fight, that argument, willing my mind to focus on the information I needed, not the visual image of Ron and Lavender. I realised with growing horror as I replayed it that he was right. I had never said the words out-loud, I'd been thinking them but had failed to deny it outright to give them weight because I had been...

I gasped inwardly, I had been pleased; pleased about what they were doing to Ron.

But surely that didn't matter, I mean why would I fail to vehemently deny what was so clearly repulsive to me? I had spent all day saying nothing, not even bothering to stand up for myself, telling myself it was because I needed to speak to Malfoy first. But why did I need to speak to him on a matter I knew wasn't true?

I glared at him, "How did you...?"

He chuckled softly, "That little show didn't go unnoticed, why do you think Pansy cornered you? She may not have found me last night but she found me this morning", he rubbed a hand through his hair. "I got a right earful, thank God I was busy last night but I was sorry to miss all of it".

"Where were you?" I blurted out, not even sure why I was asking but I felt like I needed to know.

"None of your business", his look darkened suddenly, he looked tired and sick all at once and I realised it was like he hadn't slept in days. I wondered if I looked like that these days.

"Wondering why you didn't deny it Granger? He moved closer to me, until his face was once again mere inches from my own and I could feel his cool breath on my face.

"I'll tell you why", he breathed lowly as i inhaled sharply at his lowered tone, my heart racing inside my chest as I waited for what would happen next. My eyes widening as his own bored through my soul, my tattered and broken heart trembling under his gaze. "Because it excites you", he murmured, leaning closer until his lips hovered above mine. "It excites you to know that people thing you are capable of such passion. That for even the briefest, infinitesimal second people finally saw you as something else. Something _more_".

My breath caught in again in my throat but he hadn't quite finished, "And you love it".

So I slapped him, I could think of nothing else to do in that moment and his temerity angered me. The ringing sound resounded off the walls of the tower and his now very pink cheek glowed at me from his furious face.

He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me close to him, "You think I couldn't have you if I wanted? You think you are so above me that you have no idea you are just like me".

He shook my roughly, his grasp digging into my skin. "If I kissed you now, you'd let me", he said.

"No, no I wouldn't", I breathed heavily. He leaned down until his lips were just touching mine and I failed to move, his body was pressed against mine, his hands still grasping my shoulders and still I didn't move.

Then just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I tilted my head up unconsciouly and our lips met properly and as they did I felt a bolt of electricity run through my body, allowing me to tear myself away from him, panting heavily as if we had just been involved in an extreme make out session and not a brief touching.

But that brief touch had awakened something inside me and I wasn't sure I could handle it.

He moved away from me, chuckling softly at my horrifed expression but pleased with himself, knowing he had proved a point. I cleared my throat and urged my brain to hurry up and reconnect with my body and when it finally did, I realised he had been unfair, playing with my vulnerability, mocking me with it.

"You're wrong, this doesn't excite me, that isn't why I didn't deny it". I began scrambling to reverse back to the moment that this had started to all go downhill for me. "This whole thing was never about me, or even you, it was about Ron. I wanted to hurt him because I love him in a way you'll never understand".

I hoped he hadn't noticed the insincere way I had said I loved Ron. I mean, what was wrong with me, I did still love him. Didn't I?

I shook myself, continuing. "I didn't deny it because it hurt him, even more so when he thought I would ever do it with you of all people. You are one sadistic, egotistical prick Malfoy", I smiled at him, "And you love to think you have the upper hand".

Just then something happened that I didn't expect, something flickered across Malfoy's face. It was as if his mask had slipped for just a moment and what I saw made me take a step back in surprise. Sincere disappointment was etched there plainly on his face as if I had once again missed something vitally important. Like he had practically laid out all of the clues for me and still I wasn't picking it up and I was continually disappointing him.

Before I could blink, the mask was securely back in place, irritation and annoyance schooled onto it before he laughed nonchalantly. "No matter, I'm not finished with you yet".

His words sounded menacing but I felt like he was giving me another chance, another chance for what?

He moved towards the staircase, preparing to leave before I disappointed him again I suppose.

"What? No, no more rumour you've served your purpose now let it go", I said hating myself for the pleading that had crept its way into my tone.

"You want to know what I said to Weasley, Granger? You want to know why he broke up with you?" He burst out angrily, turning to face me again.

I paused, waiting, holding my breath.

"I told him it was pitiful to see the two of you together, that he would be better off with that insipid idiot Brown and to hurry up and dump your sorry ass because I was tired of retching everytime I saw you both; everytime I saw you look at him with some sort of adoration I knew he didn't deserve I thought I would puke".

My mouth opened slightly, of all the insults that was the one Ron decided to act upon?

"Is that all you said?"

"No, I told you I made a factual observation because I don't give advice to people like Weasley but you don't need to know anymore than that but, in my opinion, I did you a favour", he turned his back on me and I could tell that by letting him down with my ignorance and by failing to miss whatever it was that was vitally important, he wouldn't tell me all of it, wouldn't tell me his reasons for even speaking to Ron.

"I'm impossible to love apparently, didn't anyone tell you?" I blurted out, not even sure why I was saying it.

"Now that...that I don't believe at all", he laughed lowly, staring straight back at me and in that moment I was lost.

"Get ready for hell Granger, I'm just getting started", he winked at me before disappearing down the staircase, leaving me with more questions than he had answered.

I sighed, what had I done and why did he have to make me feel like there wasn't enough oxygen in the world?

I shook myself, no don't think like that. Ron had never made me feel like that.

_Stop now...What's happening to me?_


End file.
